Many people actively dating, and on the apps, ask the question, “how do I know if he is interested in me?”
I don’t know. And honestly…it’s not your problem. That’s a him problem. He needs to be figuring out and communicating his feelings. You need to be figuring out your feelings.
An alarming number of people date without keeping close tabs on their own feelings and interest level. Am I interested in you? Am I drawn to you? Do I like you? Do I want to be near you? Do I feel safe and comfortable around you? Am I curious about what you are going to say next? Do I believe in you and trust you as a person?
Texting seems to be the main vehicle of communication for daters today and the means by which an in-person meeting is decided on. There are now social media pages, blogs, and books dedicated to helping people text the thing that is going to “make him miss you” and secure the date.
Again, I’m not super concerned about whether he misses me. The more important question for me is do I miss him.
Additional questions often raised are regarding text response time, being left on read, and waiting for him to respond before texting back.
We each have different processing and communication styles, relationships to our phones, and wordiness. It’s not uncommon that there is a gender difference in communication and texting frequency between heterosexual people.
I, for example, am quite a wordy person. My whole career is built around communication. Furthermore, because of my personal obligations, I always have my phone on me. I can out text anyone. I enjoy the written word. I don’t want to have to hold myself back or feel bad because someone else communicates differently from me.
What if I texted the way and amount that feels comfortable to me without expecting to be matched? What if I received the other person’s communication, accepting it as genuine and authentic to them, without worrying “what it meant?” And I simply noticed, in myself, whether what he said was interesting to me. And noticed whether I had a genuine desire to say something in response. Making sure my communication is with him (that’s the connection) and not with my anxiety, ego, or self-talk. And if so, then I can respond with as many words and texts feel right to me.
As we engage on dating apps or dating in real life, there are two different things going on for me to notice. One is the other person’s current general relationship to dating. Second is the feeling of connection between us.
There are many people present on dating apps or at singles events or even who go on dates who are not committed to dating at this time. This has nothing to do with me. This is a general state of mind for them. Maybe they are busy with work, or stressed with family issues, or dealing with a health crisis, or just not really ready. I don’t need to take their lack of commitment to dating personally. I also don’t need to be angry with them for engaging before they are ready to commit to the dating process. We are each here on our own journey. We can make space for each of us.
The second item to track is the most important. It’s the feeling of connection between us. Since I’m not in other person’s mind or heart, I can only gauge the feeling of connection on my end. So as we text or talk or meet up, I need to stay close to my own feelings and notice them. Ideally, the other person is doing that for himself. As it feels authentic to each person, we may communicate our feelings. I can also notice the negative: is this boring, is this burdensome, is this offensive. If any of those are true, I can leave.
The connection to another person begins with and is modulated through the connection with oneself. A step inward can be a step toward another. And getting to know someone else can deepen my knowledge of myself.