I don’t believe in change. I know that this is a funny thing for a psychiatrist and therapist to say. But I don’t. I believe in Self. I believe in returning.
As we move through the world, things attach themselves to us. Pollution, expectations, customs and rules, other people’s values, post it notes. Sometimes under the weight of these things, our Self can become contorted. Like sleeping in a weird position and waking up with a crick in your neck.
I have not changed. But I have become cluttered. And perhaps contorted. Usually these things happen unconsciously, ideas and objects gather and stick to me mindlessly and carelessly, starting from the moment I step outside my door and engage with the world.
This collecting of external effects is not necessarily a problem. There is a constant tension between Self and Society. This tension is neither good nor bad. It just is. We all do many things to function in society. To fit. To pass. To accommodate. To support. These things we do are not wrong or bad. In fact, they are often necessary.
We need Society, and Society needs certain behaviors to be able to function. To grow and distribute food, to dispose of waste, to sustain memory, to safeguard the village, to nurture the children, and honor the elderly. At the same time, I need my Self. It is my essence, my vehicle, and my life experience. The world, our community and even Society, our friends and even humanity at large need my Self. The Self is the divinity, the sparkle, the drive, and the hope to Life.
When we mindfully pursue what feels like positive change, it is very often not change but returning. A returning to my Self. The closer and closer that I return to my Self, the more I feel happy and secure. The things that bring me into my Self feel good.
This returning is mostly a process of removing, brushing off, and ungluing the various items, concepts, beliefs, emotions that have become attached to me. One by one until I am positively glowing.
This is a lifelong process because the world is crowded and life is often chaotic and Society is driven and things are immediately, automatically bumping into and becoming reattached to me. It is on our individual Selves to remember the Self. For myself and for each other. To remind one another. My capacity to be me.
Once I feel grounded in my Self, how do I maintain?
Boundaries. Boundaries are how I protect my ability to be my Self. Boundaries tell me to excuse myself. That it is time to go home. That I need rest. That it’s not safe for me here. Boundaries allow me to retain my Self while I participate in the world.
Maintaining the Self is like washing the dishes. The dishes are never done. Because even when they are all washed, a dish must be dirtied to be able to eat again. A dish must be dirtied to carry out the most basic act of survival.
I must engage in the world. I need Society, family, community and they need me. So, I must tolerate messes landing on my Being. And I must make it my practice to regularly clean, to sort through what is mine and what is not.
Because I value my Self.