There has been a growing awareness around people pleasing, and a push back against it. Much of the frustration around people pleasing is because it is looked at in isolation. But people pleasing is not a sole endeavor. It exists in partnership. It is only half of a complex interaction.
We live in community. We share spaces. Though we are each on our own individual journeys, we need to constantly work together in navigating shared spaces to be able to proceed on those journeys. Pleasing one another is part of how we negotiate the communal space. Because of the interdependence of life, most of us are people pleasers. It is instinctual because from the time we were born we were dependent on others. And as we grew, others became dependent on us.
Imagine a dance hall with a group of dancers weaving between each other, pivoting off one another’s bodies. Maybe everyone is dancing the same dance. Maybe the dance is pre-choreographed. That makes it simple. But maybe we are improvising and some of us are dancing something slightly different. Or maybe even totally different. Now it’s more complicated.
The gracefulness of the space is kept through people pleasing. People pleasing is an interaction involving someone acting to please and someone being pleased. In complex spaces, every individual is playing both roles simultaneously with multiple partners. The dancers don’t just crash into each other, indiscriminately stomping on each other’s toes. There is a pause, an acknowledgement, a negotiation, a desire spoken, a request, an acquiescence. For the flow to happen, both halves need to occur. The request and the acquiescence. The act to please and the being pleased.
I cannot be a people pleaser in a vacuum. There a someone—a specific someone—I am aiming to please. That person is my dance partner in this interaction. They have a role to fulfill. Their role is to be pleased. And when I am playing the role of someone whose pleasure is being sought, it is for me to fulfill that role. In this crowded, busy dance hall of community, I am in many such negotiations. Constantly internally, emotionally moving between seeking to please and being pleased, asking and satisfying, giving and receiving. These exchanges keep the whole dance space moving.
This doesn’t mean one doesn’t have standards. But it means that I carry optimism that you can meet my standards. I want you to meet my standards. And I’m willing to help you meet my standards.
It’s okay to ask. It’s okay to gift. It’s okay to want to please others. At the same time, pay attention to your partner. Is your partner playing along? Are they helping you please them? Are they reasonably easily satisfied? When someone aims to please you, are you reasonably satisfied?
People say, “honor your parents.” I don’t disagree with that. But that statement is only half the equation. Parents need to cooperate with being honored. Parents need to be honorable. Parents need to delight in their children. People say, “happy wife, happy life.” I don’t disagree with that. But again, there are two halves to that equation. Someone offers happiness and someone receives it. People teach saying “please and thank you.” They are a pair, capstones. Both are important.
Practice saying thank you. Practice giving your love away. Practice being pleased. Practice sharing your pleasure with others to let them know the gift they are to you.
Know that you don’t people please alone. There are partners who can and want to receive you.
Happy Thanksgiving