I believe friendship is the perfect relationship. It is voluntary, and a source of comfort and pleasure. A friendship is the basis of any other type of happy relationship.
A friendship is the difference between “I love you” and “I like you.” There are so many people we love out of obligation—great aunt Margaret—for example. I don’t actually have a great aunt Margaret, but you know the situation. You love her because you are supposed to, because she is a relative, because it is expected. You love her because of the relationship that binds you. But you may not actually like her.
“I like you” is special. You bring a smile to my face, and you feel good in my life. I am under no obligation, but when I’m with you I feel pleased, interested, and joyful. “I like you” is the basis of friendship.
Acceptance is also fundamental to friendship. Because there is no obligation, I have no choice but to accept you. I am not trying to change you. I also accept myself as I am. I am not going to change myself for you. We are who we are, and we are kindred and/or complementary spirits.
To be in the “friend zone” is the ideal zone. A boyfriend or a girlfriend is simply a type of friend—a romantic friendship. A husband, wife, spouse, or partner simply continues along that trajectory of a friend with romance, sexuality, shared projects and commitments. If any relationship is to be a good one, it is because at its core, and at the end of the day, it is a friendship.
When we were children, before we started thinking about sexuality, romance, or dating, we thought about friends. We focused on cultivating friend groups, best friends, and playing. Sometimes as adults, we might find ourselves romantically struggling. This is a good time to pause and ask ourselves, how am I doing in my friendships. Do I have real friends? Do I have people I actually like?
If I don’t, let me consider a rewind. Let me cultivate friendships first. Let me notice who and what I like. Centering myself in my feelings. Not getting caught in the push-pull of anxiety and avoidance or the pressures of social messaging and competition. A simple feeling and thought of “I like you” with no expectation or even movement. Let me also accept myself as I am and celebrate being accepted by others who like and enjoy me as I am. Let me take joy and pure pleasure in being a witness to the people I like—my friends. Let me make a habit out of creating love and experiencing joy.