The reality to long-term partnerships and marriages is that there is a certain amount of obligation. My husband and I are bound in a legal contract. We have important shared commitments to our children, our families, our household finances, and our community.
Two relationships exist simultaneously and in tension with each other within the marriage. A friendship and a co-working relationship. They can be complementary, but they can also be a source of conflict.
It’s so easy, especially after having children, to get caught up in the obligatory aspects of relationship. I call it “The Business of Being the Lerners.” And if we are not careful, the business relationship can dominate our time and interactions. To counter that natural tendency, we have to be mindful to maintain and prioritize our friendship. And I say friendship—not romance—because it is possible, and it does happen, that even the sexual aspect of relationship can become business-like, obligatory. It is the friendship that needs to be protected and honored.
This is why, paradoxically, I am opposed to the date night. To me, the need for a date night implies that we exist in a mostly business relationship. The date night is something set apart as unique, special. I don’t want that. Often, the date night itself can become obligatory, a chore.
I prefer the business meeting. I would rather corral as much of the business aspects of our relationship (budgeting, scheduling, discussion of chores, parenting strategy conversations) into a meeting that is set apart in the calendar. This practice leaves the default relationship one of friendship. One where our default conversations are for connection and comraderie, and our everyday interactions can be that of play.
Happy Valentine’s Day!