We long to be chosen. To be worthy. To be valuable. But to be chosen, is to be an object. It is a position in which we have given up our own agency. To choose, on the other hand, is to listen to oneself, to hear our own voice of desire, and to speak what we want. A person who chooses has agency and is the subject. Do we always get what we want? No. Might I be disappointed? Maybe. Can I trust my ability to withstand difficult emotion? Yes. Because it is through choosing that I have the opportunity to construct my own life.
On the other side of choosing is discernment. Discernment is not avoidance, though it might appear that way from the outside. Discernment means waiting, asking questions, watching, learning. It is strategic patience because it understands that not all decisions are easily reversible and some wrong matches carry heavy costs. Within that patience is an awareness of what is coherent within me and an intention toward the place I am aiming. It also holds a capacity to tolerate prolonged uncertainty so I can actively make the choices that are healthy and in alignment with my Self.
When I am able to recognize that a relationship is special, meaningful, important, and useful and choose to prioritize and bring that person closer, I am able to have agency in building my relational and community life. Same can be said for a path of study and a career. When I can recognize the joy and ability I feel and the utility of a particular labor and I choose to invest time and effort, I am exercising agency. Without committing to active choosing we are rudderless, at the mercy of the choices of those around us, a side character in other people’s story arc.
The act of choosing takes us from being an object to a subject. Through choosing we are more likely to get what we want. Whether it be a career path, today’s dinner, or a partner. In the process of choosing, we have the opportunity to learn about ourselves. To affirm and adjust our desire, preferences, our ability to love. Sometimes this happens proactively in examining my thoughts and emotions while making a choice. And at times retrospectively, when I realize that I did in fact make a choice, and I wonder why I made that choice. That after the fact curiosity, is so important.
Choosing and considering my choices is an act of standing by my Self, owning my history, and valuing my desires. I must have chosen it for a reason. It must have been important. My choices and my actions are meaningful, and I want to know more about them. Because I’m interested in me. Taking the time to wonder about the choice of a particular boyfriend, or living situation, or diet, or job. I must have done it for a reason, what was that reason… This line of inquiry expands my universe and the realms in which I have agency, opening more and more possibility for me to be me.