When people refer to their child self. It is not a singular, fixed child. Childhood is an evolution. We have all the ages we have ever been inside of us. We have many different child selves. All those different ages have needs, desires, and wounds. Some ages, some versions of ourselves we find off putting. Some versions we hide and disavow. It is those versions of us that need the most attention.
So how do we begin? Usually, it starts with a feeling…perhaps a bothersome feeling. Sadness, grief, anger, rage, maybe arousal, maybe shame or disdain. Our impulse is to push away that feeling. To rise above it. To be the bigger person.
It’s scary to feel the feeling. It’s upsetting. It’s a distraction from our busy lives. It is potentially damaging to the people around us. That’s why we swallow it. To protect ourselves and others. And sometimes that is the right thing to do. We might not have the budget for a breakdown or even a cry. We may not be in a safe place in life. We might not have the support we need or a soft place to land afterward.
But maybe, maybe it’s okay. Possibly we are in a more secure place in life than we give ourselves credit for. Perhaps we could give the people around us a heads up. Maybe we could simply own the fact that we are sad or angry or sexual or ashamed or judgy. Stand proud beside it, and not shrink from it.
Then what? If I say I’m sad, then what? Well, for most people, that would mean I cry. I cry and cry. And I say, “Oh I’m crying because I’m sad. Because I just realized there is a great sadness within me. Because I’m feeling my four-year-old self and she is sad.” Seems reasonable. People will either understand or they won’t. If they don’t understand, how wonderful for them that they get the opportunity to witness someone claiming and working through a difficult and painful emotion.
An interesting thing happens once all the crying is complete, witnessed, and your young wounded self is received. You stop. You stop and you might notice that you are still sad. What if you embrace the sad? What if you even go so far as to enjoy the sad. What might you do? Don’t worry. We are talking about the pure, earnest sadness of your young self. It’s not the same as a depression. Your young child self doesn’t desire a bender or any other adult metabolism of suppressed childhood emotion. Your child self wants to do something child-like. Maybe child-you wants some quiet time. Maybe you take up a cozy activity or surround yourself with soothing and nurturing people. Maybe you slow down and take care of yourself. Maybe you go to bed on time. Maybe you tell your friends with a laugh “I’m in my sad era” as you serve yourself some mac-n-cheese.
As you indulge your child Self, you may find that she not only holds difficult emotions. Your child self also holds wonder and playfulness. And that is the amazingly beautiful thing. If you can open yourself up to tolerating and even celebrating your young self’s pain, you may very well find yourself taking pleasure in your child-like play.