I am my longest-standing, most present relationship. I am my forever companion. The voice in my head is the voice I hear most often. My self-talk has more impact on me than anything else. I am my closest friend. Unfortunately, for many of us that connection is actually more of a frenemy or maybe just a plain old enemy than a friend. Reforming the relationship I have with myself is my most important task if I am to move forward in a happy, productive life. If I enjoy my own thoughts, if I enjoy my own company, then I am never lonely. I can always entertain, encourage, and brainstorm with myself.
Somewhere around eighteen we move out of our parents’ home. But still a parent remains in our mind. That parent in our mind is not our actual parent. It is referred to as the internalized parent. The internalized parent is a version of my parents and is perhaps woven together with other real and fictional parental figures I have known. This internal parent is the way through which I continue to parent myself for the rest of my life.
Every time the voice in my head speaks to me, I imagine I am saying that to a small child. Many of us would be shocked at how cruel and abusive we can be. In real life, we would never speak to a child that way. Yet, many of us speak abusively to ourselves all the time within our minds. Remember, we are each a child of the moment. Every moment I am facing something new, struggling to learn something I didn’t know, trying to be brave.
My parent-self is speaking to my child-self. How does the loving parent in me speak to a child? Hopefully, I would reach out and hold that child’s hand. I wouldn’t berate her, and neither would I make false promises, lying to shore that child up with untruths about their capacity. I would say something along the lines of “I’m here. I’m next to you. Just try. You can decide how you feel. I’m with you.” Am I always such a perfectly kind parent? No, not at all. But I try. Again and again, I try.
From this vantage point of a loving parent is how I try to connect with and speak to myself. I hold my own hand. I talk to myself as a loving mother. I let myself know that I am always with me and I am on my side. And through that conversation, I create possibility for my existence and my growth.